Feeling Lost

As I sit here thinking about everything... I came to the conclusion that from here on out I am just going to be me. Not the new me, but the old me, the me I recognize. I don't want to be somebody that I am not. I'm not "crazy," clingy, sad, unhappy, worried, or any of those kinds of negative things. I am happy, funny, loving, fun to be around- an all around good person. While it is taking time to return to "me," I am finding comfort in the fact that I am returning. 

This year has been a very rough year. I lost what for some reason I believe is the love of my life, my Guinea Pig, schools been rough... all sorts of things. I could live without so much just to have him by my side like he used to be... I could be in the crappiest situation imaginable and I would still be happy because he was by my side. I just pray so hard that time will work things out for us... I so desperately want to show him that I am still the me he fell in love with, I just got lost along the way. That's the thing with growing up- we experience things that change us. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. Either way, changes are inevitable. I just pray so bad that I don't lose him for good because of my bad changes. I will be the me I once was, it'll just take time. 

Another thing... I am so unbelievably happy now that I am back for good. I just hope that I can stay. For the first time in four years, it's not me or my family that has any say in where I will be. :( I wish I would have stood up for love when I had the chance. I really hope it is not too late. 

Until then...

All I can do is work on me and keep the faith that things will work out. 

The heartbreak continues

I've been fine for a while but now my strength is starting to wear me out... I am trying so hard to be the person that I was before, but it's hard when I have no idea what's happening. Things would be so much better if I could just hear those words that we can try to work things out... All I hear is "maybe" when I ask if there's a chance we can get back together. I am tired of failing at trying to take the high road through all of this. It breaks my heart that someday, I may not be at this place with the person that I love (even if he currently does not love me). What I would give for one last chance... I really am capable of being the person that I used to be :'(. 

Things have been going better, so that's what I don't understand. 

All I do is mess up

I am devastated... All the progress I made toward fixing things was thrown out the window due to a moment of insanity. I wish so bad I could take back what I have done... It kills me inside that I did that. I wish he knew how sorry I really am and that I mean it that I truly am done screwing up. He's my best friend and what I feel like is the love of my life. I know there are plenty of fish in the sea, but he really is special. He stuck with me through so much and throughout it all he was always so friendly and knew how make me feel special, even if he didn't realize it.

I wish so bad I could go back to when these problems started happening and fix them so we could avoid what is happening now. I have so much to offer him but may never have the chance because I screw up. Every night when I go to bed, I go to bed smiling because I am laying next to my best friend and guy whom I love. It's so hard going through this knowing that he doesn't love me anymore and that in an instant, this could all be over. My heart tells me that if I stop pushing and give him time, that everything will be okay. That we will be back to how we used to be, only stronger now that I figured out my flaws and am actively fixing them. It's so hard to be patient because what if my heart is lying to me? :(

Better Weekend, Better Life

This weekend went great! I really feel the changes on myself working. After a very rough few weeks, I could honestly say I felt like myself again. I played computer games with him all weekend and it was like nothing ever went wrong... It felt great. It makes me so happy that maybe there is a silver lining in all of this. I got the help I needed and maybe there's hope. Everything about this situation seems different than most so I am very hopeful...With that, have a great week everybody. Life is what you make of it.

What I'd give for one more chance...

This may sound cliche` but I would give ANYTHING for that chance to fix what went wrong...

The Heartbreak continues.

Once again i've hit a hard spot in my life... As I was finally committed to living in Wisconsin, it is becoming pretty clear that it would be a tough decision to make... I mean, the only reason I wanted to be in Wisconsin was because of my now ex-boyfriend. It's hard to explain really. I wanted to be down here so bad, I am willing to give up a lot. Now, it's becoming increasingly clear that I am not welcome here, despite the fact we were in a relationship for almost 4 years....4 years on Sunday... It is devastating that instead of celebrating our time together, now it's just a matter of making it another day. Why must I always make my decision when it's too late? I loved him with all my heart and I managed to screw that up :'(.

Nothing worse than heartbreak

My heart feels as if it was just ripped out of my chest and stomped on... I feel like I can hardly breathe. It takes all of my power not to cry, and even so, I find myself crying virtually all the time. He was the best thing in my life and somehow I messed that up. A day doesn't go by where I don't kick myself for being so dumb. I would do anything and I mean ANYTHING to go back in time and fix the mistakes that now stand out like sore thumbs. I worked on myself, I am making progress and that is not good enough.

I lost my best friend and boyfriend in one day and it kills me inside. I know time heals all wounds but honestly, I don't see this wound ever healing. I screwed up by acting crazy during my darkest hour and that drove him away. That and the distance that plagued our relationship for a better chunk of time. I really miss my best friend, but what hurts is he doesn't miss me...

</3 heartbroken forever.