All I do is mess up

I am devastated... All the progress I made toward fixing things was thrown out the window due to a moment of insanity. I wish so bad I could take back what I have done... It kills me inside that I did that. I wish he knew how sorry I really am and that I mean it that I truly am done screwing up. He's my best friend and what I feel like is the love of my life. I know there are plenty of fish in the sea, but he really is special. He stuck with me through so much and throughout it all he was always so friendly and knew how make me feel special, even if he didn't realize it.

I wish so bad I could go back to when these problems started happening and fix them so we could avoid what is happening now. I have so much to offer him but may never have the chance because I screw up. Every night when I go to bed, I go to bed smiling because I am laying next to my best friend and guy whom I love. It's so hard going through this knowing that he doesn't love me anymore and that in an instant, this could all be over. My heart tells me that if I stop pushing and give him time, that everything will be okay. That we will be back to how we used to be, only stronger now that I figured out my flaws and am actively fixing them. It's so hard to be patient because what if my heart is lying to me? :(

Better Weekend, Better Life

This weekend went great! I really feel the changes on myself working. After a very rough few weeks, I could honestly say I felt like myself again. I played computer games with him all weekend and it was like nothing ever went wrong... It felt great. It makes me so happy that maybe there is a silver lining in all of this. I got the help I needed and maybe there's hope. Everything about this situation seems different than most so I am very hopeful...With that, have a great week everybody. Life is what you make of it.

What I'd give for one more chance...

This may sound cliche` but I would give ANYTHING for that chance to fix what went wrong...

The Heartbreak continues.

Once again i've hit a hard spot in my life... As I was finally committed to living in Wisconsin, it is becoming pretty clear that it would be a tough decision to make... I mean, the only reason I wanted to be in Wisconsin was because of my now ex-boyfriend. It's hard to explain really. I wanted to be down here so bad, I am willing to give up a lot. Now, it's becoming increasingly clear that I am not welcome here, despite the fact we were in a relationship for almost 4 years....4 years on Sunday... It is devastating that instead of celebrating our time together, now it's just a matter of making it another day. Why must I always make my decision when it's too late? I loved him with all my heart and I managed to screw that up :'(.

Nothing worse than heartbreak

My heart feels as if it was just ripped out of my chest and stomped on... I feel like I can hardly breathe. It takes all of my power not to cry, and even so, I find myself crying virtually all the time. He was the best thing in my life and somehow I messed that up. A day doesn't go by where I don't kick myself for being so dumb. I would do anything and I mean ANYTHING to go back in time and fix the mistakes that now stand out like sore thumbs. I worked on myself, I am making progress and that is not good enough.

I lost my best friend and boyfriend in one day and it kills me inside. I know time heals all wounds but honestly, I don't see this wound ever healing. I screwed up by acting crazy during my darkest hour and that drove him away. That and the distance that plagued our relationship for a better chunk of time. I really miss my best friend, but what hurts is he doesn't miss me...

</3 heartbroken forever.

Feeling rejected

Ever have those rough patches where everything seems to be slipping away? I have been feeling that a lot lately... It's sad that all I want is to be loved back.

It's my way or the highway

Ever have people give you an ultimatum where it's pretty much their way or the highway? I seem to be facing that a lot these days. It's getting to the point where I don't know what to do. No matter what I do, I seem to disappoint somebody. It's coming to the point where I feel like I am going to lose love or my family. Will there ever be a time where I won't be disappointing everybody?